In the desert, you can’t remember your name…

I don’t know what that particular lyric has to do with anything.  It’s just what’s running through my head as I sit here and sweat and it continues to be hot and dry and generally nasty.

Kettle: You need to update.

Pot: On what?  I haven’t done anything.

Kettle: Dunno, but you need a new post, even it it’s that you haven’t done anything.

So here we are, me writing this post to inform the handful of you who continue to check back here (and that is appreciated) that I’m not doing anything.

A bunch of things I committed to seem to be pulling at me at once, all of a sudden.  And I feel very much like I can’t keep up.  Add to that, the fact that there’s a phase I go through on a monthly basis where I feel more harsh than usual about my own work and often take a few days off.  This phase just seems to be longer and harsher than usual.

I haven’t been reading blogs, either, so if I’m not caught up on your stuff, and I haven’t commented, I apologize.  I think, quite often, writing blogs depress me because I don’t seem to have the same feelings about writing that I’m “supposed” to have, and this just leads to more doubt and ill will on my part, and it’s not great.  The feelings that a lot of you describe, that you “have to write”, that you can’t wait to see what happens next in the story, stuff like that… while I used to feel these things, it’s been a long time, and for me it’s often just plain work.  And when I’m in this mood, it’s work that I don’t enjoy or think anything will ever come of.  I get bummed when I read about the attitude that I’m supposed to have, that this is important and needs to be put before everything else, that I may and probably will have to go through this process ten or more times before getting anyone at a professional level to tell me that it’s good enough.  So I have to continue to believe in something that may never happen and keep putting all this time and effort into…

Well, you see where this is going.  This is just not the week where I possess that kind of belief.  And it’s not the kind of week in which I can continue to create without finishing anything substantial, nor that I can continue to work without reassurance that what I’ve done is worth doing.

Shop SusanSo one of the things I’ve been doing this week is working on my doll clothes, both knitted and sewn, which sometimes actually get finished, and which sometimes people like, say nice things about, and pay me for.

I do need to create stuff, to build and design and grow stuff.  That’s what I love about writing, creating people and places and events, and watching them grow under my hands.  But lately I’ve been getting immediate gratification from desiging little dolly sweaters and watching them grow as they hang from tiny knitting needles.

And I’m not the sort of person who does things “just for me”.  I need to be able to take it to someone and say Looky and have them pet and praise me for it.  And then, yeah, I get into a funk and don’t believe them anyway, and what good is that?

So now you can see why I haven’t updated.  Who wants to hear from even-more-than-usual-emo-me?

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6 Comments

Filed under insecurities, me me me, writing

6 responses to “In the desert, you can’t remember your name…

  1. seanachi

    I like emo you.

  2. gypsykitten

    I’m with you on a lot of this.

    Right now I feel like, as much as I want to write, I have a bunch of other commitments pulling at me. I know it’s a whiny cliche, but I’m really struggling to write, and do everything else.

    I also know that I’ll get past it. I just go through these phases. And usually when I get in one of these phases, what I want to do most is either read (ok, I always love reading), or work on crafts where I can see my progress. I mean, I can see my progress with my writing, too, but it’s just more tangible if it’s something I’m knitting or whatever.

    I guess it’s more that, lately, every time I’ve gotten in that mental place where I really wanted to write, something else interrupted me and I couldn’t. And that just makes me cranky.

  3. gypsykitten-
    Yeah. Exactly.

  4. Ah, don’t bully yourself with “supposed-tos” and “I should dos”. Writing is a deeply personal thing, and some people will feel that it’s glorious all the time, and others will go through phases of agony with it. I go through both, but it’s just the way it is. It’s like being in love, you have times when you just cannot stand the sight of the other person and want them to go the hell away. Just being with them is hard work. Then suddenly, something clicks and you love them like crazy again. Writing’s like that.

    Sometimes, I think, you have to say, “OK, it’s bad.” And just let it be emo and the rest. The more you allow yourself just to feel how you feel when you feel it, and don’t try to make yourself feel something you don’t feel at the time, the better you start to feel. Sorry, that was longwinded, as is typical of me, but I’m sure you get the point. I bet you find if you stop beating yourself up because you feel you don’t “measure up” to people who write about writing like it’s the best sex ever, and let yourself be, it’ll get easier.

    And I was just wondering where you’d got to!

  5. All writers need egos bigger than their talent. LOL! But doubts are necessary, It’s just the act of creation. Sometimes writing is just work and nothing more.
    Hope you have a better week this coming wee.

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