If you’ll just indulge me for a moment, I promise I’ll have recs at the end.
Lately, Kait and I have been back and forth a bit on this thing called fun.
Kait tends to be all work. That’s…something of an understatement. But she has ever been the sort who has goals, plans to reach the goals, gets ticked at stuff that gets in the way of the plans and the goals, and thinks a lot about goal-related efficiency. If you got tired thinking through that sentence, welcome to my world. But lately she had a little bit of a
freakout minipiphay that she was turning into a bit of a machine rather than an artist.
So we’ve been on that topic a bit lately. For me, I am so buried under the massive guilt of what I haven’t done, that I can’t get out of the rubble to reach the keyboard. And I’ve been here before. It’s not a pleasant place to be. Lots of stuff going on and reasons for this, but it’s not what the post is about.
What the post is about is that I need fun. And the problem with me is that I engage in things that interest me, but I’m so consumed with guilt about it that it doesn’t do what it should for me, and I can’t really throw myself into the fun or my work or anything because you can’t wholeheartedly approach anything when you’re buried in rubble. You follow?
And I need to find the fun in writing again. I need the drive and excitement back. I need that feeling that I can’t wait to tell you what happens next, that I can’t wait to see how it unfolds myself, when I can’t stand that I have to go buy groceries because it takes me away from my story for a whole hour.
You know where I’ve found that, lately? Fanfiction. Reading this or that at FanFiction.net lately has reminded what it was like to just sit down and write stuff. To just tell a story for the love of the characters and the love of just telling a story. I don’t know if I could ever write it myself. I think I’m so bound up in perfectionism that getting someone else’s character and world detail right would just be another layer of crazy for me.
Which leads me to a related note: Hmm…I really enjoyed that, I didn’t actually care when the wording got a little clumsy, or when the characters got swept away in the moment and their voices got a bit off, or if this or that detail wasn’t precisely the way I remembered it.
Some of that going on lately, times when I realize that my standards for everyone else on the planet are quite fair, while those for me are just hatefully, impossibly unreachable.
So, I don’t know, maybe I could take a baby step here. Give myself something I’m allowed to love obsessively and without guilt and see if owning a little actual joy would help lift some of the rubble rather than add to it.
Well, there was another bit of rabid self-involvement for you. To thank you for sticking with me, I have two recommendations for you to check out:
Fandom in Stitches is pretty awesome. Even if you’re not a quilter, it’s fun to look at. I mean, I get a kick just out of seeing how much people LOVE stuff. You should bum around there until you find the Harry Potter and HP Project of Doom stuff. On this page you’ll even find a Serenity logo.
Which brings me to my second rec: Voices and Visions, a Firefly/Serenity fanfic. Post-Miranda, dealing with the Washlessness, some Simon x Kaylee, some nice Mal x Inara, but this one’s mostly Jayne x River, and oh, is it over 100k words of Rayne emo porn that I could not put down. *swoons*
I think I have to call my Reforming Rogues Anonymous sponsor and get to a meeting.