Tag Archives: forgiveness

I, Antagonist, Part 2: The beatings will continue until morale improves

You know that story where there’s the hero who’s a decent guy, just trying to be decent. And there’s an antagonist who freaking HATES this guy. Because the hero did him wrong at some point. And it was totally an accident. Or it was when they were just kids, or something else we find excusable because this guy’s the hero and a decent guy.

But the antagonist, man, he can’t get over it. This dude is psycho. I mean, it’s obvious he should just get the fuck over it and not pick fights with this really decent, guy who helps old ladies and is finally about to win over that girl he’s been too shy to approach. Hey, we like this guy, he’s all right, don’t screw up his shit with your bullshit vendetta.

At the same time, we sometimes feel sorry for the antagonist, because this yahoo has legit screwed up his life because he can’t forgive and move on. He’s gone Dark Side. This hatred is who he is, hating the hero is his identity, and punishing the hero is his mission in life. He coulda been somebody. He coulda been a contender. But he’s let this obsessive hatred screw up his possibilities, burned bridges with it, and ignored opportunities to be something more. Instead, he’s  playing the part of the freaking psycho and it’s gonna end badly. (Unless this is horror, in which case he maybe wins…)

So I’m reading about procrastination, and over and over again I have to be confronted with this concept that many of us, band of brooders, have issues regarding self worth. We see our sense of self tied up in things outside ourselves, needing approval from others, needing accomplishments to make us feel worthy. And they say it not like that for everyone, but they don’t say where other people get it, this other way of being.

I have considered this issue before. But it’s like the motivation and organization stuff. I legit don’t get it. It’s not like I have it buried somewhere inside and just need to find it. To me that’s like saying the collective unconscious has buried the secrets of calculus within my mind, and I have only to pay attention in math class to awaken the knowledge. Oh hell no. I have no idea what you are talking about.

But okay, I accept that this is a serious problem that other people do not have. And if other people do not have it, it logically follows that I shouldn’t have to have it either. So back to Google to figure out how to get self worth.

Which leads me to effing Oprah who feeds me this blurb of an article in which the author basically has an epiphany that she should just forgive herself. So she starts doing that. And she lives happily ever after.

Which led me directly to this whole idea that I am not only my own antagonist, but I’m the absolute psycho antagonist who can’t forgive. Objectively, on the outside looking into the story, it is sometimes clear that the shero didn’t mean to be fuck-up. That she tried, that she has some decent qualities. And I’m like, damn, dude, give the kid a break. But then I go back into the antagonist character and have nothing but contempt. Meanwhile, settling into the shero character, I know I have my faults, I feel bad about the things I did wrong, guilty. But I’m bewildered by the antagonist. Why does she hate me so much? Why can’t she cut me some slack?

Is it supposed to be that easy? Are you supposed to be able to just flip the self worth switch and let the self esteem flow in and make you a happy, productive member of society?

That’d be a fine kettle of fish, wouldn’t it? Every single Talent I’ve got is dealing with some issue of not understanding how awesome they are. If we all got right in the head, what would we have to talk about?



Filed under insecurities

Late #ROW80 Check-in, Minced Oaths and Miscellanea

This is intended to but will probably not be a quick post. As it’s two days late, I obviously don’t have a lot to say on the subject, so probably light on the ROW80 appeal.

Review of my short-term and measurable goals for anyone just stopping by:

  • Spend at least an hour with at least half an hour unplugged, working in the world of the Talent Chronicles.
  • Finish at least 3 scenes per week.

I didn’t get any new scenes finished, but I did do a lot of thinking. A lot of it is series stuff, side jaunts, and that kind of thing, but I also had a really good day of note-making at Chuck E Cheese on Thursday during which I had some new ideas for book 3 that will help fill in some stuff in book 2.

Good News:

The schoolbus just left. After 27 straight days of no school (snow days plus holidays and weekends), I finally have some hope of getting back to work. Things are kind of a mess here, I need groceries, I need to EXERCISE, but hopefully some of that, done without all the chatter and the I need I need I need and “the dog is following me!” etc, will let me think my way into some stuff.

Had a nice family weekend. I’ve been trying to wean myself off the internet lately, especially on the weekends when we do more family stuff. It happens that when I don’t answer email for a day or two, I sometimes get a note from someone asking it I’m mad at them. Which is fine; that doesn’t bother me at all, and it’s always just that I wasn’t on the computer to respond. But I think it really shows that I’m pretty responsive with my communications and could do with slacking off a bit, as many of my friends have suggested.

Have had great Amazon sales this month. It’s making me really long to know what my PubIt sales are. But Amazon sales were such that yesterday I felt I could justify spending money. So I declared it Epic Game Day. We went to GameStop and bought everyone a new video game, stopped off for snacks (like Epic-Sized 1 liter bottle of Diet Coke), and played all day.

Even though I started ROW80 with the intention of doing it and getting this book out as soon as possible, I’m feeling so much better since I just accepted that I can’t do everything. I can’t force a book out in the conditions I was in, and my daughter isn’t at a point in her maturity where I can try to go to work every day when stuff like that happens. And once I stopped trying to be an author and a mom at the same time and punishing myself for not doing really well with either, I started to feel much better, and maybe even like my brain is starting to unlock.

I sometimes stay up later than I should, just to have some quiet time in the house by myself. I’ve been in one of those sleeping 5 hours periods anyway. So I watched White Oleander. I put this in the good news because I had been feeling a lot of mom guilt, and then I was like, hey, I’m doing better than that. And so I decided that I should get kudos for not murdering a boyfriend and making my daughter complicit in it, and started giving myself a break.

Mixed News:

After a straight month with me, my daughter is saying “freakin'” all the time. This is especially cute when she says, “That’s freakin’ awesome!” and I’m like, “I know, right?” It’s mixed because while I think the minced oaths are totally fine, we live in a place where some parents get uptight about them. Dang, geez, etc., are often not good. I don’t get this. I don’t know how these kids are ever supposed to express their thoughts. So if my daughter wants to complain that the freakin’ dog took her freakin’ toy outside, I figure what’s the big deal? At least she didn’t end the complaint by referring to him as a goddamn sonofabitch, right? But my husband is coming down on the use of “freakin'” which is, I’ll admit, a bit excessive. So yesterday B and I talked about language and that the trick with language is knowing your audience and when it’s appropriate. See? I’m framing that as an important life lesson, not so much as, “I don’t care, just don’t do it when Daddy gets home.”

Hope everyone else is doing well. As a ROW80 sponsor, I was supposed to go around and visit some blogs over the weekend, so I still need to make that up. But maybe I’ll save that for tomorrow’s round. Who knows, maybe I’ll get so much peace and quiet this week that I’ll even be able to write some concise, topical blog posts instead of just personal babble.


Filed under ROW80